Riding the Waves

April was not a gentle month for me.

It was stressful, chaotic, destabilizing, exhausting, and nerve-wracking. It was also inspiring, hopeful, and clarifying. There were moments of helplessness alongside moments of strength. It was a month full of adjustments and intense emotions.

I made financial cutbacks, reworked my budget, let go of comforts, changed coping habits, set boundaries, decided to move, and so many other things. What stood out most this month was how fully I felt everything. After so much inner work, I am no longer numbed to my experience. The grief feels closer. The stress hits harder. There are moments when I miss being emotionally numb because feeling this much has been particularly painful.

But I see so much growth. Even when I was down, I still picked myself back up. I felt the waves rise and crash, but I did not lose myself in them for too long. That capacity has been built slowly through support, intention, and learning how to stay present rather than shutting down.

It feels meaningful that April is closing under a full moon and during Beltane, a time associated with fertility, protection, and the return of life and light. The moon reminds me of the ocean, how its pull can create powerful, clashing waves at times and calm, peaceful waters at others. One cannot exist without the other. The ebb needs the flow. The tension makes the stillness possible.

This month taught me that contrast is not failure. Chaos and calm are part of the same system; you can't appreciate peace without having known inner conflict. Riding the wave is not about avoiding the storm but about trusting that the natural rhythm of the sea will move things through.